Wake me up when September Ends.
Sep. 24th, 2022 09:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fredxmertzI'm in counseling now! I have to revisit some PTSD history from the Long Long Ago. I've come a long way since these episodes, of course. Sometimes, they are painful to revisit, sometimes they are just astonishing to me, how I got through. I'm sure many people have worse stories, but these are mine. They do not define me, they do not "explain current behavior" and they don't earn me some special kind of 'bozo badge' for surviving. These thoughts DO NOT occupy a lot of my time, but it is helpful to me to review, and to reflect on how I've moved past it.
I guess if there is a message, its that bullying is awful. Don't do it. And if you're being bullied, it is OK to reach out for help, and it is survivable, just don't turn it inward. Trigger Warnings galore, of self-harm, bullying, drug use, abuse, etc.
.
when I was 13, I was a favorite target for several bullies in the town of Redondo Beach.
I did my best not to be a snitch, but my stepfather threatened me that I had to tell who the bully was, and swore he would not reveal it to anyone, but when I finally told him, he immediately called the school where the bully attended (Redondo Christian School)
Redondo Christian School occupied the old building of my favorite elementary school, Harry P McCandless Elemntary SChool. (LOL Harry P!)
Sure, I had some bullies at that school too, but mostly, I was in the gifted program, and made great friends there, up through 3rd grade, when that school was closed and I was forced to attend the middle school (Hillcrest) another mile to walk, more bullies to walk past, and older kids (grades 7 and 8) mixed with younger students.
After my stepfather complained to the christian school, my beatings became more regular, more severe, and even gained an audience. The bully brought more of his friends to terrorize me and use me for psychological torture experiments.
I may have stolen marijuana from my father before that, but after that, I made it a more common practice. I also raided medicine cabinets whereever I was, and took any pills that I thought might ease my pain and allow me relief from my increasing depression and anxiety.
I got kicked out of the honors program at school, and the honors kids gave me the nickname of 'dumbshit'
I had a few friends, and we made terrible music in my parents' garage. That was one of my few escapes from being terrorized by "Redondo Skate Punks", older punks from "the Detonators house', neighborhood bully Richie Carrino (RIP), and random losers like Donald Amason.
My friends knew about the bullying, but it was never spoken of, some of my friends knew about planned attacks and failed to warn me, or would even lure me into position, then disappear. I'm sure they were under threat themselves, but the betrayal was painful. I never held it against them, because I valued their friendship so dearly. Two of those friends who come to mind, have both since passed away, one died of AIDS (Tony K) and another, quite recently from suicide (Steve K) RIP, pour one out for my homies.
But I started isolating, dissociating, self-medicating, and self-harming. after my self-harm episodes, my mother became angry with me and yelled "don't ever do that again"
I feel that I should end this on a positive note.
My family once had a group session, when I was in my 20's, where we addressed the part about Arnie ratting out a bully to the Christian School. He apologized for that.
Richie Carrino, the neighbor bully, has passed away. I heard he met a violent end, and that doesn't please me in anyway, I'm never happy to hear someone has died, no matter what they did to me in their life.
I am working at my favorite job I've ever had, and living the life O'Reilly in some respects, working in town during the week, then living in the mountains on the weekends, where I can ride my bike through verdant forests alongside rushing streams full of trout and salmon.
Scheumack Broom Company is in the midst of our busiest time of year. Witch brooms are flying out all over the country for Halloween. Our wholesale business is booming, and our brooms can be found in shops like HEX in NOLA, Psychic Eye Bookstores in California, and at rennaisance fairs in Houston, Holister and Irwwindale.
I binge-watched RESERVATION DOGS last night from 9 pm until almost 2 am. Using my sister's HULU account. I think the season 2 finale is on Sunday. Its so good.
The Cedar Creek fire continues to burn 11 miles east of Oakridge. They say it is 11% contained, and a good portion of the fire is intentional, surrounding the fire with controlled burns to deny further fuel and protect inhabited areas.
but the smoke is still pretty nasty. I don't know if I will do much bike riding today, as I don't want to inhale too much smoke.
Here's a view of a trail I frequently ride, near my weekend mountain retreat
Enjoy your weekend, everyone.
I guess if there is a message, its that bullying is awful. Don't do it. And if you're being bullied, it is OK to reach out for help, and it is survivable, just don't turn it inward. Trigger Warnings galore, of self-harm, bullying, drug use, abuse, etc.
.
when I was 13, I was a favorite target for several bullies in the town of Redondo Beach.
I did my best not to be a snitch, but my stepfather threatened me that I had to tell who the bully was, and swore he would not reveal it to anyone, but when I finally told him, he immediately called the school where the bully attended (Redondo Christian School)
Redondo Christian School occupied the old building of my favorite elementary school, Harry P McCandless Elemntary SChool. (LOL Harry P!)
Sure, I had some bullies at that school too, but mostly, I was in the gifted program, and made great friends there, up through 3rd grade, when that school was closed and I was forced to attend the middle school (Hillcrest) another mile to walk, more bullies to walk past, and older kids (grades 7 and 8) mixed with younger students.
After my stepfather complained to the christian school, my beatings became more regular, more severe, and even gained an audience. The bully brought more of his friends to terrorize me and use me for psychological torture experiments.
I may have stolen marijuana from my father before that, but after that, I made it a more common practice. I also raided medicine cabinets whereever I was, and took any pills that I thought might ease my pain and allow me relief from my increasing depression and anxiety.
I got kicked out of the honors program at school, and the honors kids gave me the nickname of 'dumbshit'
I had a few friends, and we made terrible music in my parents' garage. That was one of my few escapes from being terrorized by "Redondo Skate Punks", older punks from "the Detonators house', neighborhood bully Richie Carrino (RIP), and random losers like Donald Amason.
My friends knew about the bullying, but it was never spoken of, some of my friends knew about planned attacks and failed to warn me, or would even lure me into position, then disappear. I'm sure they were under threat themselves, but the betrayal was painful. I never held it against them, because I valued their friendship so dearly. Two of those friends who come to mind, have both since passed away, one died of AIDS (Tony K) and another, quite recently from suicide (Steve K) RIP, pour one out for my homies.
But I started isolating, dissociating, self-medicating, and self-harming. after my self-harm episodes, my mother became angry with me and yelled "don't ever do that again"
I feel that I should end this on a positive note.
My family once had a group session, when I was in my 20's, where we addressed the part about Arnie ratting out a bully to the Christian School. He apologized for that.
Richie Carrino, the neighbor bully, has passed away. I heard he met a violent end, and that doesn't please me in anyway, I'm never happy to hear someone has died, no matter what they did to me in their life.
I am working at my favorite job I've ever had, and living the life O'Reilly in some respects, working in town during the week, then living in the mountains on the weekends, where I can ride my bike through verdant forests alongside rushing streams full of trout and salmon.
Scheumack Broom Company is in the midst of our busiest time of year. Witch brooms are flying out all over the country for Halloween. Our wholesale business is booming, and our brooms can be found in shops like HEX in NOLA, Psychic Eye Bookstores in California, and at rennaisance fairs in Houston, Holister and Irwwindale.
I binge-watched RESERVATION DOGS last night from 9 pm until almost 2 am. Using my sister's HULU account. I think the season 2 finale is on Sunday. Its so good.
The Cedar Creek fire continues to burn 11 miles east of Oakridge. They say it is 11% contained, and a good portion of the fire is intentional, surrounding the fire with controlled burns to deny further fuel and protect inhabited areas.
but the smoke is still pretty nasty. I don't know if I will do much bike riding today, as I don't want to inhale too much smoke.
Here's a view of a trail I frequently ride, near my weekend mountain retreat
Enjoy your weekend, everyone.